I do. I have moments when I doubt God. His ways, His acts, even His Word cause me uncertainty. There are spells, spans of time, where I am so very confused by Him.
In the last few years I can pinpoint several instances when my confidence in God’s faithfulness was non-existent. In those cases life’s chaos, conflict, negative words, and/or tumultuous thoughts of guilt and shame will swirl around me like a perfect storm. Whispers of failures whirling in the mind, growing louder and louder, like hurricane winds. Harsh, stinging rains of ugly words and rejection beating against the hull of my heart and I look frantically for a place of refuge and see only the tempest around me. I begin to doubt. I hear the winds. I see the waves. His voice is drowned out by the squall so large and looming overhead. And like Peter, one of Christ’s beloved disciples, I doubt.
On a much more real level…There are lots of time – too many times – that I doubt His ability in changing things for the better, with family AND with myself. I doubt His commitment that, because I trained my children in His ways and taught my children His heart when they were young, that He will protect their hearts and they will return to Him. I doubt that He can forgive me for the divorce, and the running from Him period that followed, that did NOT show my children – or anyone else in my circle of influence – His heart, His ways…Him. I doubt that He will heal the wounds and scars in my husband’s heart that cause him so much pain and anger. I doubt that I’ll ever be accepted by another church, because of the rejection of churches the last few years. I doubt that I’ll ever lead worship, or the arts, again – even though it is my most fervent passion and what I am actually most gifted at. I doubt that I’ll ever be deemed ‘useful’ in ministry again because I’m considered “older” and “young and trendy” seems to be the norm these days. I doubt His faithfulness to the things that He has spoken to my heart. I doubt His plan. And in doubting these thing, I guess that I am ultimately doubting God’s character and power.
It makes me sad. It hurts my heart. It makes me angry with myself that I have lost such faith in the last few years and have so many times when I do not trust the God who made me…and loves me just the way I am.
I often listen to the song by Don Potter entitled Show Me Your Face. I can so readily identify with the cry of the heart that says:
Show me Your face, Lord
Show me Your face
And gird up my legs that I might stand in Your holy place
Show me Your face, Lord
Your power and grace
I can make it to the end if I could just see Your face
I confess, I doubt God. Too often. And I’m not sure exactly how to change this…
The song, for any others like me, is here: Show Me Your Face