Day two. I woke up much earlier than I ever am able to when at home – and I was rested. I dressed in my bare feet and headed out to breathe in the fresh morning air and some time with Him. I knew that this was going to be an important part of my journey to peace while on vacation.
I’ve never minced words when talking with God. This morning was no exception. After a few moments of savoring the peacefulness of the calming sound created by the ocean waves, I began to lament. I told My Father how miserable I’ve been having been unable to sing and have the song pierce the hearts of the listeners. I wept for how painful the ache is to teach and to lead once again – feeling His pleasure. I whispered how unsettling it is to feel as if my life experiences and His calling mean nothing, because I am no longer considered “youthful” – and am woman. And as I stood and wept I said out of my mouth “I don’t know how to trust You anymore… I just don’t”.
The inner silence was so loud that it seemed deafening.
I felt something hard brush against my foot. I reached down and picked up an olive shell. One. Whole. Complete. This one was petrified. Old. From ages ago… When His hands and His words first created the earth and all that is in it.
He has held the world in His hands from the beginning of time. He has spoken His will since before the worlds were formed. He made fertile a 90-year old woman, and she became the mother of many powerful nations. He used a stuttering murderer to lead His people out of a land of bondage and slavery. He anointed a slight shepherd boy King and – even knowing that he would commit adultery and murder – chose David to be a forefather of Christ. He gifted a female judge with such wisdom that she counseled entire armies, and He used a woman to defeat the commander of an enemy army. He spoke through a reluctant prophet, who had run away from the call on his life, and a very wicked city – from the youngest to the king – repented of their evil ways and cried out to God. He chose common ordinary men to walk with Him, talk with Him, eat with Him, learn from Him, and then change the world by giving their lives to share His story.
Throughout history He has utilized unexpected people by anointing their raw humanity and turning it into gifts. He has found ways to capitalize on their observable weaknesses and turn them into strengths that glorify Him. He has used the simple to confound the wise.
Can I trust that He can still use my life? My voice and my passions? My weaknesses and my failures? My age and my strong femininity?
An olive shell at my feet reminds me that He can… and He will. In His time.